thoughts turned words.

Tore through me like a hurricane.

2009-03-25T17:50:48Z

So just as suddenly as it started, my relationship with Kyle came to a devastating end. I didn't see it coming, and it has really torn me apart. I hate whining to people about relationship bullshit so I figure if I get it all out on here I can start to move on. Maybe try to organize my thoughts, figure out what might have gone wrong. Ugh, who knows. There was no "you did something wrong", there was no big fight, just an "I can't have a girlfriend anymore".
At this point I've come to terms with the "break up" part of things. It's the loss of the attention and affection that's killing me. I sit across the table from him and it takes ever ounce of strength not to reach for his hand or to take the seat next to him just so I can be close enough to kiss him if I want. It's just so hard to constantly be around him and pretend that I'm ok with him not wanting to be with me anymore. When it comes down to it, I really am just completely heartbroken. Just a month earlier we had said "I love you". It just doesn't make sense, and it's really just so sad.

I can tell by his body language and his actions that there is no turning back for him. There wont be a getting back together any time soon. It hurts. It really really does.

I just can't sit here and pretend to be ok anymore so that people dont have to listen to it. I'm not ok.

At least I don't think you can die from a broken heart.

Smi-smi-smittennn

2008-12-10T14:30:32Z

Absolutely head-over-heels.
It's been about 3 months, and we've known each other for years,
But I still get as excited now to see his face as I did way back when.
I love it. I love it. I love it. :) !!!

In other news I've started a new job.
I still have my old one, but this is just a suppliment to that.
It is one step closer towards my career goal, and it something that I'm supposed to love doing BUT I don't.
I fucking hate it!!!
I hate retail.
I hate sales.
I hate standing on my feet for fucking 9 hrs a day.
I wan't to do peoples makeup.
I want to make them feel beautiful.
I want them to want to have me as an artist.
I don't want to be a salesman and force product they don't need on them just to make a fucking quota.
NO THANKS.
It's a great company (Emani Minerals), and I love love love their product.
But I'm just not cut out for retail.

It's a good thing I am completely and utterly distracted by how fantastic that boy is. <3

Totally dropped the ball.

2008-10-28T13:11:24Z

So I fucked up at work pretty royally.
I'm really embarrassed, and it wasn't even really an accident.
It was just me being an idiot, and not doing what I was supposed to.
I forgot to send out 3 appointments, so they never got handled.
Not 1- but 3. 3 fucking appointments.
So then, on top of that. I forgot I was supposed to be in early today.
But there was an immence amount of traffic on 95 so not only was I not on time, I was late.
Sooo instead of being in early, I was late. Like, half an hour later than my normal time.
So I get in. Trying to explain why I was what I thought was a half hour late, when my boss says in a very quiet voice... "did you forget you were supposed to come in early today to cover me?".
So for a whole hour today there was no one here. Because I totally dropped the fucking ball.
I'm mortified.

I can smell it in the air.

2008-10-17T12:19:08Z

Whether we want to admit it or not, folks... winter is sneaking upon us. You know what that means?

HOLIDAY PARTIESSS! Chicka Chicka Yeaaaaah.
I love love love this season. The food, the atmosphere, everything. I love it, I love it, I love it.
Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New years. It's like one fantastic event after the other.
Not to mention that this kind of weather makes anyone feel great. Fresh and Refreshed, you know?
I find myself taking the back roads home every day just to see the colors and feel the breeze.
I can honestly say that my ride home is the absolute most relaxing time of the day.
It's hard to describe, but it puts a smile on my face, without fail every single time.
I feel great. And I can't stop smiling. I <3 this Season! : )

It's our god forsaken right to be loved loved loved.

2008-10-15T12:52:59Z

Don't want to think about it.
I concentrate on doing other thingggs.
& being smitten. It's been a while.
It feels good.
No, it feels great.
I can't stop smiling.
Thanks.
Eeek!
: ) <3

Let out a scream, and release the pressure.

2008-10-14T20:59:03Z

I can't breathe.
I am just so angry. Words can not even explain the emotions that I am experiencing right now.
I'm hurt. Scared. ~~Angry~~ Furious. Torn. Full of rage. But none of these things quite fit. It's something more, something different. Unless you have been through an experience like I have, you will never understand.
I am so hurt for my father. I see his face and I want to cry. He doesn't deserve any of this. No one does.
I feel sick.
The whole thing just makes me ill.
There is a pit in my stomach.
When someone says her name it feels like a kick in my gut and I see red.
I cry, but then realize I'm not crying out of sadness, it is out of rage and frustration.
I have never had a genuine urge to wish harm on another person, but the feelings I have right now go beyond that.
Who are you to ruin the life of another?
Who are you to tear apart a family over lies.
That's what they are, LIES.
You CUNT.
I spit your name out like some kind of disease.
I hate you for making me feel this way.
I hate you for making my father feel this way.
I hate you for everything you've ever lied about.
I hate you for manipulating my mother.
I hate you for making yourself into the person you are now.
I hate you.
You can't live with this forever. The truth will surface, and when it does I hope you enjoy the life of isolation and disgrace you have created for yourself.

I cry not because I am sad, but because I don't know what else to do.

Learning to deal.

2008-10-02T17:03:18Z

So life has changed. A lot. I don't even know where to begin. So many things have shaped me over the past two years. I accomplished so much, and grew into a distinguished adult, but have also had to deal with some serious heart-ache. There have been some set-backs recently, but they are things I am learning to deal with. I'm not going to use livejournal as a place to bitch and moan like I used to, but more of a place to organise my thoughts. I need to organize my mind somehow, and I figured what better way to start?

heart___beat @ 2006-08-06T20:25:00

2006-08-07T00:25:37Z

It's been awhile, eh?

Yesss

2006-02-07T15:03:58Z

Kouis Wallice is a joke. HAAA

"CAMEROOOONNN"

Sweet.

2006-02-06T13:04:21Z

3 out of my five classes of the day involve me sitting on a computer, fucking around on websites. It's pretty phat. Haha. WOOW

heart___beat @ 2006-02-05T18:51:00

2006-02-05T23:52:35Z

Wanna give me $10,000? That'd be pretty sweet.

Hmmn..

2006-02-02T00:12:31Z

I feel like there arn't enough days in the week. Oh, and my boobs are progressively getting smaller and it's pissing me off. Ha. Whatev. I work at west marine. It's kinda boring but not at the same time. Basically I'm just bored and I had nothing better to do than write this entry.

heart___beat @ 2006-01-31T22:35:00

2006-02-01T03:36:18Z

I stole my prom dress today. I think that officially makes me a scumbag. Hahaha.

heart___beat @ 2006-01-31T10:07:00

2006-01-31T15:05:40Z

I saw Anthony yesterday for the first time in I think something like over a year. I walked right by and barely recognized him. It's amazing how much people can change in such a short period of time. I fuckin' miss that boy.

I don't understand.

2006-01-26T00:38:56Z

Well, I guess kharma really does come back to haunt you. Not only did I have to go through this once, but it's back full force, and I have to go through this fucking painfull experience once again. More hospitals, more invasive exams, more IV's, more heartache, and so much more shame. I didn't do anything to deserve this a second time. The first time, yeah, I made a mistake. I deserved what I got. But now, I just dont understand. I guess I'll be paying for this for the rest of my life. And let me tell you, I'm fucking scared to death. I learned my lesson. I really did.

Oh shit, wait. I'm bitching again. My bad.

heart___beat @ 2006-01-24T20:01:00

2006-01-25T01:03:17Z

I've decided to become more in touch with my spirituality. I was at one point, and I think that it's time to reconnect. I need this.

heart___beat @ 2006-01-23T23:17:00

2006-01-24T04:17:31Z

Bitch, bitch, bitch.
That's how it goes, right?

I hate this.

2006-01-22T19:00:01Z

Um, I know it's only january but I'm scared that I wont have a prom date. Actually, I'm terrified.

And now I know how people really feel about me due to anonymous comments on my journal. Love that.

heart___beat @ 2006-01-19T14:28:00

2006-01-19T19:28:29Z

I fell for it twice.
Loves it. NOT.

God was there. I could feel him.

2006-01-14T20:26:10Z

Last night I was with some friends. We decided to go for a ride. We took two cars. Then 10 minutes after I told my friends not to ride in my car, the car they were in smashed into a tree. Two people's faces got really badly cut up, and two other people were hurt. I then had to drive my bleeding, drunken, hysterical friends to the emergency room. I had never felt so bad in my life. I knew better too. I knew that they should have came with me... but I told them not to. Lets just say that last night wasa total disaster. Not only that but the kid who was driving got arrested. I feel awfull about the whole thing. Ughhh. What a night.

Oh, and a pen exploded in my mouth during english class too. That was wicked fun.

OH GOD, MY FACE HURTS

2006-01-08T23:23:28Z

I got my wisdom teeth out on wednesday and my face is still the size of a fucking basketball. The only difference now is that my face is green with bruising as well. Awesome. I love it.

Happy holidays

2005-12-22T17:55:10Z

Basically, I went to the mall at least 4 times within the past 2 weeks. I probably left with over $3,000 worth of merchandice in my car. I'm a criminal.

heart___beat @ 2005-12-16T15:48:00

2005-12-16T21:10:16Z

I hate how I have no self respect. Basically, I've turned into a person that if I were anyone else I would never in a million years expect myself to associate with. As confusing as that may sound it's how I view my life. In other words, I see myself as a complete dissapointment, a joke, an embarassment, a fake, a hypocrite, should I go on? I'm so disgusted with myself it's rediculous. I have more friends now than I've had in years, but is that just because of all the fronts I've been putting on? It's like everything is a drunken act with me. I don't even know how I got to this place in my life. Everything that I once stood so strongly for is now nonexistant to me. It's like I just let go. Gave up on everything. I guess I'm just trying to come to grips with the fact that I really am unsatisfied with my life, but I don't have the balls, the guts, the motivation, whatever word you want to use, to do something about it..

heart___beat @ 2005-12-14T08:44:00

2005-12-14T13:48:22Z

My school caught on fire because of a propaine leak... Sweet, right?

Now I will spend the day taking jello shots and passing out on the floor. THis should be interesting.

heart___beat @ 2005-12-08T13:49:00

2005-12-08T18:50:01Z

I will probably never write in this stupid thing again...

Oh and I got a $170 speeding ticket. Saugus police can lick my clam.